My days are filled with music.

I don't just mean that I'm listening to a lot, although, of course I am, but as well I'm now studying music theory during quiet times at work, and transposing tab music to notation (slowly), and listening to new songs I'm learning, and when I'm home I'm doing my vocal exercises, and then usually warm up on the nylon string guitar with some easier classical pieces I've learnt, before (if there's any time left) practicing the songs on the steel string that I'm learning for my next guitar lesson. The Strat remains under-played, but I'm working to the theory that the steel string acoustic is the hardest of my guitars to play, so I'm better off concentrating on it, as when I then play the same songs on the Strat, it is so easy!

And the singing lessons? Well, I booked another straight after my first, so I guess that says something. Most of that first lesson was spent talking, which was great. It gave me time to relax and get to feel more comfortable with my teacher, to see if we would 'click', see if she would appreciate the type of music, and the type of voice I like and aspire to. We discussed my concerns about my voice (I'd written out a list: can't carry a tune; can't hold a note; weedy and quavery; no reliable power or volume; no personality, too vanilla; no 'growl'; no breath control; no knowledge of how to use the different 'voices'; and, finally, the fact that I have some weird short circuit in my head that causes my eyes to sometimes water terribly when I sing, so it looks like I'm crying!).

Crunch time came and she had me sing with her up and down scales to see how my pitch was. I closed my eyes and just did it. No time to be prissy. I was there. And I did it!! She said I had absolutely no problem with pitch (great news!). That was the first time I can remember ever singing along with someone like that. Her studio had already become a safe place for me.

She then had me sing along to a song I had brought with me. I already knew it was a little too low for me (and is sung by a man so that wasn't a surprise) but despite that, she said with songs in the right key for me, I should be fine.

So, for me to learn to sing, we'd be approaching it from two directions. She can teach me techniques to strengthen and improve my voice. The other direction is that she'd help me overcome my performance anxieties, which she thinks is what causes most of my problems when I sing.

We are talking about strinpping away a well layered, highly developed sense of fear. A fear that is not limited to singing, but any activity that suddenly puts me at the centre of someone else's attention. Even walking down the street, if I feel I am being watched, suddenly becomes fraught with danger as my self consciousness brings on a clumsiness of impressive proportions. She says it's going to be a massive task, and that she's had students similar to me who have had to take breaks as the reasons behind such a fear can come back to the surface and become overwhelming. I'll take it a day at a time. At the moment I'm feeling positive. Although, when she says the hardest thing is to learn to say "I am a singer", she's not kidding!

The fact that I'm even willing to approach this shows that I have already made a huge leap. I put it solely down to learning guitar (with a patient and fantastic teacher) and those few nights of playing with friends. Even though my playing is woeful, I still discovered a level fo enjoyment playing with, and for, others that I never expected.

I look back sometimes at what I have written here at the same time in previous years, and it makes me realise just how much I've changed. I would have always said I was a reasonably happy person with the occassional blue day, but then I read certain things, and I realise I can't remember when I last felt lonely like that, or sad like that, or as isolated. The world around me hasn't changed much at all, so it must be me.

I think I'm slowly learning to forgive myself, and to like myself again. Maybe in the first time since I was a little kid. It feels good.